On our own (chapter 8)

"I will not cry. I will not cry. I have to see clearly without tears because I'm driving with my baby."

That was all I could think as I drove away from the airport. After 6 days in Tulsa, Chris had to leave and go back to work. With an interstate adoption, it usually takes at least 10 days to get clearance to leave the state. Dropping Chris off was difficult and a little scary. I've always been independent, but being left halfway across the country with a newborn was daunting. I had babysat my entire life and had tried for years to get pregnant, but I was terrified I would do something wrong. Am I feeding Kennedy right? What if she gets sick? Should she be outside? So many questions and doubts ran through my mind, but I refused to let my tension take over because Kennedy would sense it and get upset. I decided I would pick up lunch and go back to the hotel for a nap. I had plans with Jenn and her mother, Ann for dinner.

I met them at a local restaurant and I could tell Ann was anxious to see Kennedy. When I pulled back the blanket and Ann looked at her granddaughter, tears filled her eyes. She asked if she could hold her and I placed her in her arms. Jenn had went to the restroom and Ann said, "Lori, if you ever decide you need to give her back, please let me have her." It was so hard seeing the sadness in her eyes and the desperation in her voice. And even though I knew that she spoke out of pure love for Kennedy, I'll admit...it bothered me. I can't imagine being in Ann's position and the pain she felt, but part of me was mad and the other part felt threatened. Though I became a mother without giving birth to a baby, I was a mother, nonetheless. To be honest, all I could think was "there's no way in hell." The tense moment was broken when Kennedy started whining. Ann handed her back to me and I was relieved to have her in my arms again.

Dinner ended up being very relaxed and pleasant. Ann told me that if I needed anything to please call. I assured her I would be fine and truly appreciated the offer. I knew she was sincere and didn't mean to make me feel threatened. She was simply a grandmother losing a grand baby.

Kennedy slept well that night and was only up about every 4 hours. We both slept on and off until almost noon and spent the day watching TV and resting. That afternoon, I took her to her first pediatrician's appointment and the doctor was pleased with her health. She told me to take her out and enjoy her.

I loved having Kennedy all to myself and cherished spending time alone with her, but I was beginning to get homesick. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and settle in at home with Kennedy. Ever since I was a little girl, I had a fantasy about taking my new baby to church. There would be something special about that first Sunday. Friends and family would "ooh" and "ah" over her and I couldn't wait for everyone to meet her. As much as I was ready to go home, I wasn't ready to get back to the real world with all it's stresses. I was content concentrating on nothing but Kennedy. So, until I got the "it's time to go home" call, I would savor our escape from reality and enjoy Tulsa.