sleepless nights (chapter 9)

After years of planning on motherhood, I felt pretty confident I could handle anything Kennedy could dish out. My confidence quickly faded on the second night alone with her.

About midnight, Kennedy woke up from a deep sleep screaming at the top of her lungs. After rubbing her tummy and holding her for well over an hour, she was inconsolable. I gave her a dose of gas drops, but they didn't help either. I began feeling desperate. I tried everything, but could not "fix" her. I started getting tense and upset even though I knew it was only going to make her worse. I couldn't call home because no one would answer the phone in the middle of the night and there was no way I would call Ann. In my mind, I was afraid she would think I wouldn't be a good mother. I finally decided to call the nurse at the hospital that had taken care of us. I was crying when the nurse, Mary, answered the phone. Mary was so sweet and calming and she told me she got off work in an hour and would call before she left to check on us. She said if things weren't better, she would come to the hospital and help me. Thank God for Mary! She asked how I had tried consoling her and she suggested I swaddle her tightly. In the first week of her life, she didn't particularly care if she was swaddled or not, so I never thought to try it. The first blanket i used just seemed to make her more upset, but out of desperation, I tried the afghan my aunt had knitted for her. Oh my gosh! Within 15 minutes, Kennedy was finally asleep and happy. As promised, Mary called when she was ready to leave and I assured her we were fine and of course, gave her my undying gratitude.

Needless to say, the next morning we slept until after lunch. About three, we picked up my mother at the airport so she could help us fly home. Of course, she was thrilled to meet her new granddaughter and I was looking forward to getting a full night's sleep. However, about 11pm, I received a call from Stacy, my stepdaughter Hailee's mother. She was sobbing when I answered the phone and told me Hailee had fallen out of a two story window and was being airlifted to the hospital. She knew Hailee was alive, but had no idea the extent of her injuries. I was overcome with complete panic. I called Chris to tell him (he and Stacy couldn't talk without fighting) and his first instinct was anger. He called Stacy questioning how the fall happened and it ended up in complete outrage. All we could do was wait until Stacy called me back with more information.

The wait was hell. Luckily, Kennedy slept through the drama and I was left pacing the room. I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and knew that I couldn't leave the state to be with Hailee. I began praying continuously for God to protect her and guard her from injury. Finally, Stacy called. She said that doctors had performed extensive tests and so far, there were only bruises and scrapes. Within just a few hours of arriving at the hospital, doctors released Hailee. It was a miracle this child was alive. Thank God for taking care of this sweet girl that was such a blessing to me and so many others!

Exhausted, I answered the phone the next morning and it was our attorney. We could go home! It had been 10 days and it was time to make arrangements to leave Tulsa. Chris scheduled our flight for the following day. Luckily, we were able to get a direct flight, which would be quite a blessing with a newborn in tow. I called Jenn with the news and we planned a goodbye dinner that night.

I was looking forward to going home, but I really dreaded leaving Jenn. It felt like she was part of me now and we shared a bond that was just unexplainable. We had spent so much time together and would miss seeing each other every day. I knew it was time for both of us to get on with our new lives, but it would really be difficult leaving.

We met Jenn and her parents and were able to spend a couple of hours with them. As the night winded down, the lump in my throat got bigger. Ann held Kennedy one last time and handed her back to me. It was heart wrenching to watch her say her goodbyes to her granddaughter. She told me how much she appreciated and loved me and promised to pray for us daily. I could tell her heart was breaking and it took all the strength inside her to walk away.

I could no longer hold back the tears when Jenn kissed Kennedy on the forehead and whispered, "Always remember how much I love you." Even as I write now, I am overcome with emotions when I remember that day. I have never seen such an unselfish love manifested in one moment. We hugged until I felt a peace sweep over us. I knew God had prepared both of us to go our separate ways.

Our time in Tulsa was over. It was time to go home.