Saturday, March 13, 2010

Home Sweet Home (chapter 10)

Traveling across the country with a 2 week old baby was definitely interesting. Just the sheer amount of luggage we had accumulated was daunting. Thank God we had a direct flight to Nashville in a small prop plane. I was so worried about her ears popping and hurting on the plane, but she slept right through the entire trip.

My mother's boyfriend had been visiting Nashville, so he picked us up from the airport. I was extremely disappointed to learn he hadn't checked out of his hotel and we couldn't start home immediately. At the hotel, he did some last minute work and it seemed like it took an eternity to pack up and finally head out of town. Of course, we had to stop and eat and I was beyond ready to get home.

I'll admit. In my mind, I had really hoped for airport fanfare just like you see in the movies and on TV documentaries. Granted, we were three hours from home, but still so many people promised to be there when we landed. I had envisioned our welcome home committee in my mind so many times. Flowers, tears and hey, maybe a poster or two. Silly, I know. Shows how TV can really set you up for disappointment, huh? Not only did no one greet us at the airport, but it was taking forever to actually make it home!

Finally, we pulled up in my driveway and there were several friends and family members waiting on us inside. Of course, the minute we entered, Kennedy was snatched from my arms and the camera flashes started. It was good to be home with the people who loved us.

I was really looking forward to seeing Chris. He was in the recliner when we got home and it was only after we carried our luggage in that he gave me a quick hug. He felt very distant and somewhat irritated, but I assummed it was just because he was ready to have Kennedy to himself. A couple of hours later, everyone left so we could rest and I collapsed on the couch. He informed me he was hungry and asked what was for dinner. Huh? Was he serious? Yep. He was definately serious. As I made a quick meal of blts and tomato soup I thought about our relationship.

If I told you I was happy, I was lying. From the beginning, everyone told me we would never make it. My family didn't feel he was the best choice of a husband for me, but I was crazy about him. I saw a side of him no one else saw. I saw the gentle father he was to Hailee and now Kennedy. I saw him work hard to make a living for us. I saw him splurge on big surprises for me and saw the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I saw him stand up for what he believed in and not worry about what others thought. I was bound and determined to make our marriage work. I felt if I were a good wife and did everything expected of me, we would be fine. I made sure the house was cleaned, laundry was done, meals were cooked,Hailee was taken care of and the bills were paid.

Chris had a temper. He wasn't violent, but it was miserable for me when got upset. And he got upset easily and sometimes without warning or reason. For this reason, I did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of his way and never spoke against him. When he got upset, I tried to fix whatever it was that he was mad about. Once, for example, he wanted a new motorcycle... a very expensive motorcycle with payments of over $300 a month. He told me he had called our credit union to set up papers and I would have to go in and sign. I got very quiet and he said, "you don't want me to have a new bike, do you?" As the one who pays the bills, I knew it was much more debt than we could handle. The thoughts of adding to our debt, as well as telling Chris we couldn't afford it made me sick to my stomach. Finally, I told him we couldn't afford it. He already had it figured out. He would use part of a commission check to pay for it. I told him I was worried about using our extra emergency money for a motorcycle payment. He became irrate. For hours that day he wouldn't speak to me and it was miserable to be around him. Instead of standing my ground, I called the credit union and got the money. And now, it was all ok at home.

In the almost 5 years of marriage, I had slowly lost myself. I felt as if I wasn't my own person and was nothing more than a doormat. I had no one to blame but myself though. I couldn't stand conflict so I always gave in. I thought if I handled every aspect of Chris's life, he would be happy. I didn't realize then that I couldn't make him happy. He had to do that for himself. Still, I would try for several more years before I gave up the fight. And in the meantime, I would play the game and lead everyone to believe we were a happy couple.

When we went to bed that night, Chris started sleeping in the spare room for the first time. I knew the addition of children wouldn't make our marriage stronger, but I knew I wouldn't be complete without a child of my own. Honestly, I was using Chris as he was using me. Even though we did love each other, it was a marriage of convenience. I took care of his needs and he helped me become a mother.

As my eyes closed that night, I fell asleep wondering what the future would hold for my family.