A long awaited day (chapter 11)

I literally dreamed about being a mommy my entire life. I had massive collections of beautiful dolls, but my favorites were those that looked and felt like real babies. As a child, I never went anywhere without at least one baby doll. Sometimes if I were feeling really maternal, I would pretend I was the mother of twins or even triplets! I packed their diaper bags with all the neccesities such as extra clothes, diapers, socks, blankets, and bottles (real ones, of course). Specifically, I would pretend I was at church for the first time showing her off everyone who gathered around us to stare at her beauty.

When Kennedy had just turned three weeks old, my childhood fantasy became reality when Sunday morning came. Before she was even born, I had her outfit picked out. I chose a simple, pale pink Strausburg dress my grandmother had bought her. I had been looking forward to that day my entire life. Even more special, our church family had planned a much needed baby shower after the service. I got up extra early and got myself and Kennedy ready. All the excitement I felt inside turned into a sick feeling when Chris woke up mad at the world. He always seemsed to be irritated on Sunday mornings, but I hoped this morning would be different. Nothing was right...breakfast wasn't made, his clothes weren't ironed, he had a headache, etc, etc, etc. I ended up fighting back the tears and taking Kennedy to church alone.

Of course, my church family doted on Kennedy and each time Chris's name was mentioned, it was all I could do to keep from breaking out in sobs. I didn't want to admit to anyone else, let alone myself, that he just didn't want to be there. So I did what I always did...I made an excuse and said he had overslept. I sat during the service feeling so lonely and sad. I wanted my spouse...Kennedy's daddy...to be with us, not only physically, but mentally. Maybe if I just tried harder it would all turn around. I would try to be a better wife and maybe it would change.

After the service, we went downstairs for Kennedy's shower. Such care was taken in the decorations and food and it was touching to see the lengths everyone had put into the event. I was excited, but still held my breath and positioned myself facing the door in hopes Chris would walk in.

When he entered the room, I could tell by the look on his face he was still mad. I greeted him and hugged him and I felt his back stiffen. "Why are you so upset?" I whispered. He rolled his eyes at me and quitely stood against the wall while I escaped to the bathroom. I tried catching the tears in my tissue and expertly wiped the mascara from my eyes in hopes no one would notice I had been crying. When I rejoined the party, I played the act of happy wife and mother and those who knew me best, pretended right along with me.

Kennedy had so many gifts that we literally had to make two trips with the truck! When I got home, Chris and I unloaded the gifts and he sank into the recliner. He still wouldn't speak to me and I really had no idea what was wrong with him. I got Kennedy bathed, fed and in bed and passed the time washing her new clothes and putting all her gifts away. I tried to recount my actions and figure out why he was so angry and when I asked, he got even more irritated. He went to the guest bedroom without telling me goodnight and though I knew in my heart our marriage was in a downhill spiral, I hoped and prayed it would all be better the following day...for myself, Chris and our new baby.