Thursday, September 13, 2012

A brush with a painful past....

It's been over eleven years and the raw pain caught me off guard today.

I was on a mission when I ran into Hobby Lobby today and was only thinking of what I needed to get when a woman lightly patted my arm to get my attention.  The face was familiar, but I was drawing a blank.  She said, "I'm so glad things worked out for you."  I said thank you and walked down the parallel isle pondering who this woman was.  She then peered around the corner and asked, "do you still have Jordan's ultrasound?" 

Every ounce of breath in my body left and I came face to face with this woman who had destroyed me so many years ago.  It was "Dee".  But actually, I'll call her by her real name, Diane. (see chapter two). 

Just to recap, Diane sought me out before Kennedy was born right after I had suffered through four years of infertility and miscarriages.  She asked me to adopt her unborn niece's child.  We went through all the legal paperwork and even though the pregnant woman didn't ask for money, Diane was constantly asking/demanding for money.  We never gave her any.  When the baby was born, Diane kept the baby and I found out about a month later she was announcing to everyone she worked with that she was adopting her niece's baby and needed to purchase baby items.

I've never came face to face with her until today...eleven years later.  And then when I did come in contact with her she asked me for the ultrasound?  Are you kidding me?

 I automatically responded "why would I have that?"

 She said, "because I gave it to you." 

I said, "you ripped my heart out."  I quickly stumbled away in a daze, in complete shock.  How could it be that after so many years, the pain felt so raw and real?  If you have ever had a miscarriage, lost a child, or lost a child through adoption, you know the answer to this question....because it's a loss you never fully recover from.  It's a pain that runs deep into your soul and changes your life forever.  Yes, I"m thankful for the way things turned out.  I'm thankful for my children and I know that if this adoption had worked out, I probably wouldn't have had my precious babies.  I know this was God's perfect plan and will for my life.  But, it's still a pain that never fully heals.

My jaw tightened, my teeth chattered, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was shaking all over in a panic attack.  I knew this was my only chance to say something for myself.  I walked back over to Diane.

"How dare you ask for an ultrasound.  You destroyed me.  You ripped out my heart.  It was all about  money.  Every day you were asking or demanding for money and thank God, I never gave it to you.  You knew you were keeping him the whole time.  It was a game to you.  God help you."  She stood there and denied and I walked out of the store as quickly as I could.

I sat in the protection of my car gripping the steering wheel and trying to get hold of myself before I tried to drive.  The tears wouldn't come, but I sat in the silence in shock trying to take in what just happened.  It was obvious Diane didn't understand, nor care about the depth of the pain she inflicted upon me.  She thought that just because I had children I was "over it." What she thought or how she felt, however, doesn't matter. 

I realized today, my life was forever changed by that promise of the little baby eleven years ago.  After miscarriages and infertility, he was the answer to my dreams and prayers of being a mother. His nursery was ready and our bags were packed for the hospital.   I loved him.  I was in love with him.  I still am. "Chandler" was another baby I lost.  Another baby that slipped out of my hands, but never out of my heart.

God, I pray today for "Chandler."  I pray he feels loved and cherished throughout his life.  And God, I pray for those of us who live with the silent pain of lost babies.  Continue to heal us and help us grow and reach out to others who need our words of encouragement, our support and our understanding.